The Gecko...

As I sit down with a blank page and pen
thinking what to write...
I see a gecko, freshly out of its black hole in the wall,
basking in the heat of the lamp
which tries to light up the dark night.
And i watch as the gecko sits there
changing color from black to beige...
slowly, excruciatingly, inexorably,
trying in vain to blend in;
losing itself.
And I realize...
I don't want to be that gecko.

Powered by ScribeFire.

Five more Haikus...

the wind sighs through the
trees outside my window as
the darkness gathers.
********************
the walrus and the
carpenter are striving to
make fools of us all.
********************
whoever said that
God is a nice guy, never
met Him in person.
********************
beware the monstrous
clutches of the creature they
call by many names.
********************
the light of knowledge
spreads through the darkest of minds...
Utopia comes.
**********************
- Kakafukino Infinata (1101-1213 AD)

five haikus...

*******************

one more chapter ends
a new one about to start
the story goes on

*******************

the evil in us
never takes a day off and
tells us what to do

*******************

when we are happy
the winter of life appears
and takes it away

*******************

lizards all around
clicking in the springtime of
youth and decadence

*******************

who calls for me now
in the monsoon of sorrow
with that wailing shriek

*******************

random thoughts...

fat lizard on the wall to my left...unmoving...fat, ugly, lazy thing...is everything in this world beautiful?

is anything?

given a choice, would you lie to someone close to keep them happy, temporarily, or would you tell them the truth and cause them pain?

is time linear or do we only perceive it that way?

is there anybody out there?

helllooooo?!?!?

what is our true purpose in life? attaining perfection or forever striving to be better?

is it right to break the dreams of others to fulfill your own?

can dreams ever be fulfilled?

is god an omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent being who is testing our faith or is she a prankster, having fun at our expense?

does god exist or was he created in man's own image?

was the indus valley civilisation an early vedic settlement or was it destroyed by incoming aryan hordes?

does it really matter?

does anything really matter?

did i make any sense?

******************************************

read my latest post and zero's reply on infinity and zero...
it's all about the freedom to choose and whether a choice really matters when there are much larger issues at stake...

******************************************

From the Archives:
" Yash, maan, khyati... Na, chai na...Ami udbo, gaan gaibo..." -From the play 'Tota Kahini' by Gautam Sengupta based on a short story by Rabindranath Tagore.

haunted by a dream...

i had never in my life believed that i could be a songwriter...until a few days ago...my poem catcher in the rye was made into a song by us but i wrote it as a poem to which my friend shravan gave the sound of music...but a couple of days ago we were jamming and i started singing whatever came into my mind...some of it was lyrics of songs i knew sung to a different tune and some of it was made up impromptu...what lies beneath is a refined and more complete version of the impromptu parts...i call it 'dreams of pink and white'...

puff the magic dragon and I
once went into his lair...
we chanced to talk of was and when
and also then and there...

we walked through times bygone and new
and saw their fools and kings...
this world is such a cruel place
just full of stupid things...

dreams of pink and white, and
smoke rising through the night...

puff the magic dragon and I
into the skies we soared...
we floated on the cloudy turf
and then we talked some more...

but,hark the birds of pleasure sang
in words of white and gold...
their secrets were then hidden deep
never to be retold...

dreams of pink and white, and
smoke rising through the night...

but the dream was broken
what could i do?
idiots ruled in heaven
nothing was true!
they came for me and took away
everything i wanted
i was left feeling hollow
but still i was haunted ...
haunted...
haunted...

pain, misery, abomination,
hunger, death, discrimination,
false prophets, prevarication,
they don't like you, extermination...

haunted...haunted...haunted...

living a lie of happiness
blinded by what they feed you
you think everything is fine
get out i don't need you

haunted...haunted...haunted...

puff the magic dragon and I
have looked beyond their lies
let them mock and rule today
for one day we shall rise...

dreams of pink and white, and
smoke rising through the night
dreams of pink and white, and
smoke rising through the night...

10915-070328-262830-81
© 2007 All Rights Reserved.

the song of the nightingale...

its been a long time since my last post...but sometimes it takes a break to get the right perspective...this poem expresses my deep intolerance for organised religion in all its forms even though i've used only christian theology and mythology as its symbols...oh it's great to be back!!!

can you hear the nightingales sing
in voices full of sorrow
can you hear that song of woe
that tells of how you killed tomorrow

the angels weep as they fall from grace
and the father laughs aloud
while the son mocks them as they burn
ha! you had to be proud!

the serpent is cursed for he gave you the truth
and tried to set you free
while jokers and magic men you enthrone
'cause they lie to your face with glee

too many lies
too many cries...of pain
too little love
too little truth...remain
shackles, fetters, chains and locks
everywhere around
the only true joy of liberty
is nowhere to be found

if just once you'll heed the song
instead of the promised lies
come fly with me and the magic dragon
to a world untouched by eyes

kill the monster you created
if he isn't already dead
for though you live on in blind faith
it's all just in your head

no more kings!
no more priests!
no more lies!
no more cries!
no more tears!
no more fears!
no more hatred!
no more war!

Peace...Beauty...Truth...Love...
and Freedom!

can you hear the nightingales sing
in verses sharp as arrows
can you hear this song of hope
that tells of how we'll save tomorrow...

Ami udbo...gaan gaibo...

why do you despair? i have laid the world at your feet to explore and conquer...and still you say you are unhappy?
you know you made me to fly...and now that i've learnt how to fly you want to clip my wings and reduce me to walking...what use is all the land in this world if i don't have the endless sky to float in? this cage you want to put me in may be made of gold but it's a cage...
what cage do you talk of? i wish to make you a king amongst men...
i'd rather be a vagabond amongst birds...i want to fly high and wide over this world...i want to sing so that the world can listen...i know how it feels to fly across the boundless sky...i know how it feels to make even a single person happy with my song...and now you want me to give up my gifts of flight and song and live like those myriad small creatures trying to tie us to the ground...you consign me to a life consumed by slow decay...give me the earth if you wish to, but don't take my beloved sky away for that...
har kisi ko muqammal jahaan nahin milta, kabhi zamin to kabhi aasmaan nahin milta...
to kheench lo mere pairon tale se ye zameen...par udne do mujhe is khule aasmaan mein...
what about her? won't you accept your fate even to stay with her?
she is all i've ever desired...she is the one who has always heard me sing...she is the one who has always seen me fly...i can't imagine life without her...i am the most untainted by your world's corruption when i'm with her...
so you'll give up your unreasonable dreams of flying for her?
no...if i were to get an eternity with her in exchange of flight it would be an eternity of torment for me and for her...it is she who inspires me to fly...it is she who inspires me to sing...i couldn't bear the torment of being with her with clipped wings and muted voice...
do you realise what you wish for? you leave the trodden path to do what you like...you will have to make your own trail in the sky...you will have to fight...
i am willing to fight even against you father...i am willing to doom my soul to eternal damnation if i can fly for even a single fleeting moment...if one song of mine gives an ephemeral smile to the face of one single person, i am willing to die for the ability to sing it...you made me to fly father...you taught me to sing...let me fly...let me sing...or let me die dreaming of it...

" Yash, maan, khyati...
Na, chai na...Ami udbo, gaan gaibo..."
-From the play 'Tota Kahini' by Gautam Sengupta based on a short story by Rabindranath Tagore.

two fests, angst and a poem...

well due to an unfortunate incident my band couldn't go to iim-c to perform...so 'catcher in the rye' might not be publicly performed for a long time to come...i did participate in the dramatics events there and won the first place in the impromptu event...but disappointingly we didn't get anything in the street play competition because the judge thought that we were too rigid and conventional in form to attract an audience in the street...my only misgiving was that the play that won was in english which is not a known language to a great number of people in the streets of india...well no use bitching now...had a great time in carpe diem though...and that is always the bottom line...enjoy...

spring fest was a big disappointment but i had the benefit of staying almost perpetually high which sort of made up for it...skinny alley was great...hullad muradabadi was better...i had a good time but this was the worst sf i've seen in my four years here...either it sucked or i've lost the excitement for it...

am currently disgusted with the kind of appreciation that mediocrity recieves all around me...shahrukh is the biggest star of india, ekta kapoor is a bigtime successful producer, emraan hashmi is the cat's pajamas currently, himesh reshammiya is giving hit after hit, more people liked euphoria and shankar mahadevan than skinny alley, people actually applauded a poem called 'bomb se uda do yaaron pakistan ko', the techno mix crappy versions of jal's aadat are more popular than the original, paheli was india's official entry for the oscars instead of hazaaron khwahishein aisi, someone actually told me that i sing very well...the list goes on and on...i'm sick of it...i'm totally sick of it...

but life still goes on...was recently inspired to write what follows...had been swirling in my head for a long time so i decided to finally give it form...



Brahmanandaam, Paramsukhdaam

dancing in ecstasy to the rhythm of life
in that frozen moment of exuberance
just you and me and the night sky
melting and flowing and becoming one
our bodies entwine, the dance continues
the dance of celebration, the dance of life
locked in embrace for all eternity
no time, no space, no thought in mind
no sound save the rhythm of silence
just you and me and the night sky
our bodies fuse in the dance of passion
you become me, i become you
just you and me and the night sky
just the rhythm and the dance
gar firdaus bar rue zamiast
hamiasto hamiasto hamiast...

over the cliff...

felt really inspired by 'citr'('catcher in the rye' by j.d.salinger, for the ignorant)...came up with the following...
disclaimer:you might not understand what is being said if you haven't read the book.

ecstatic,euphoric...
running in gay abandon
through the rye field
never thinking of what was yet to come...
ebullient,exuberant...
running like a madman
living every moment of life
never thinking that this could end...
innocent,ignorant...
running right over
the edge of a crazy cliff
never knowing that this was the end...

where were you catcher in the rye?
why didn't you come to save me?
i believed you catcher in the rye
but i'm over the cliff already...

wish i could return
to that field of rye
and run again in innocence
with not a phony
thing in sight
not a hint of pretence...
but the lagoon gets icy and frozen
and the ducks have got to go
i'd like to break the ice and swim
but they just wont let me go
they make me play by rules they make
life being a game and all...
you said it was crazy but you'd do it
then why'd you let me fall?

where were you catcher in the rye?
why didn't you come to save me?
i believed you catcher in the rye
but i'm over the cliff already...

i don't like anything thats happening
i don't like a million things
i don't...
the lagoon is frozen and i want to go
flying away with the ducks
i won't...

i won't give up before getting started
i won't keep falling and falling...
i won't go on down and down
i'm not afraid of stopping...

i don't need you catcher in the rye,
i'm over the cliff already...
but i'll make my own field of rye
and then i won't miss everybody...

therefore, i seek quietus...

someone by the name of 'bien a vous' left a comment on my earlier post quietus...i started replying,but then i thought that the reply would mean explaining my poem's central concept...so i am writing this post...
the comment was...
"u wander thru eternity seeking quietus ....
essaying escape.... from eternity ...
n ur own dark shadow ...
eternal life ... eternal youth ..
eternal thirst ... eternal knowledge ...
eternal unrest ... eternal quest ...
eternal solitude ... eternal peace ...
the only constant in an ephemeral cosmos ...
relinquish this power for an unknown mundane end ?
immortality a curse or immortality ur curse ??"

well said...
eternal youth? i beg to differ...youth is a state of mind where every experience is relatively new to you and you want to enjoy every aspect of life to its fullest...what after that? are you still young when you are not excited by anything life has to offer? when everything becomes ordinary and boring?
eternal knowledge? nobody on earth knows everything...even if we were to coalesce all human knowledge throughout history, we would still be left with many unanswered questions which would continuosly gnaw on the heart of the immortal...and haven't you heard, ignorance is bliss???
eternal quest? for what??? what are we all seeking? the answers to all the unanswered questions? god? a state of continuous existence?...the first two will never be found and the third is undesirable if they're not...and according to many schools of thought what every solitary soul is striving for is either a state of non-existence or union with the supreme, both of which involve destruction of the self...if that is true bliss then immortality is a curse...
eternal peace?there has never been peace in the world and there never will be...man has the constant need for an enemy, because the social structure needs an external threat so that it does not implode...in such a world full of morons and animals not fit to be called civilised, which soul can find peace? if you see people repeating their mistakes over and over without learning from history, how can you be at peace?
i know it is better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven, but it is better to serve in heaven or hell than to remain on this earth forever, even if you do rule it...therefore, i seek quietus...
by the way, let me clarify that the poem is not in my voice but in that of count dracula...immortality is definitely not my curse, though i would have loved to be a vampire...

***************************************************

random thought...
i just want to get away from it all...go away to some remote corner of the earth for a few years...somewhere where nobody knows me, where modern technology still has a long way to go...where i can see the clear sky at night in all its splendour with not a human light in sight and hold my love gently as she goes off to sleep...

quietus...lament of the vampire

i loved the idea of the last tag so much that i decided i'll do it again...so here goes...

quietus \kwy-EE-tus\ noun

1 : final settlement (as of a debt)
2 : removal from activity; especially : death
3 : something that quiets or represses



i wander through eternity seeking quietus
to the covenant with my father...
he gave me eternal life...
eternal thirst,eternal unrest,
eternal solitude...
i wander in the darkness seeking quietus
all around me are flowers,they wither and die
i stand like the tree,gnarled and old...
nothing grows in my dark shadow...
immortality is a curse,i seek quietus...

writer's block...

been wanting to write a post for a long time now...lack of time,energy and creativity have been stopping me...various times in the past few days i wanted to write about:
1.the aryan invasion theory debate...i have a lot of thoughts about it...too many to put down...
2.the symolism of the nataraj...i was blown totally over by all the symbolism that has been put into that one simple work of art that a large part of india calls god...
3.the symbolism of other religious art in india...our culture is just teeming with pieces of high art that any common man without an aesthetic sense would not even have looked at twice if they weren't gods...the shivalinga,the depiction of kali,ardhanarishwara,etc...
4.the greatest selling work of fiction ever...the holy bible...the fallacies in the revealed 'truth'...how christianity and judaism are no better than any 'pagan' religion...in fact much worse...
5.the wondrous world of 'alice in wonderland' and 'through the looking glass' and their myriad interpretations and relevance to the real world...
6.the movies i've seen recently...
7.how i've been going crazy,slowly...but surely...

still can't write anything...

thoughts and actions...

another year passes me by...another milestone to be crossed...a score and two years(all right, one day less) spent on this earth as a part of this experiment in futility called life...this unquenched thirst for knowledge grows more and more as you try to satiate it...why do we have the powers of logic and reasoning when our only seeming purpose in life is to survive and propagate?...this endless game of life and death continues...happy(???) birthday to me in advance...

*******************************

participated in my first quiz as an adult on saturday...got the third prize...
also attended a theatre workshop during the weekend...learned a little about the elements of theatre and art...also reconfirmed my belief in my knowledge of bangla...i can comprehend almost completely now though i still find it difficult to speak fluently...hope to learn the script soon...
felt really nice when a theatre professional told me to try and keep doing dramatics throughout my life...refuelled my passion for dramatics...
have been really busy with preparations for illumination and rangoli competition(a unique tradition at iit-kgp) as diwali comes near...
been reading a little of the 'holy bible'...being surprised by the fact that people still consider it to be THE TRUTH...not allegorical, but literal!?!

*******************************

"'Twas brillig and the slithy toves
did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the borogoves,
and the mome raths outgrabe."
- Lewis Carroll(from Jabberwocky in 'Through the looking glass')

bored of education...

another break in life at kgp arrives...another occasion when the professors reaffirm the fact that they have utterly failed to teach the students anything at all(either because the students didn't bother to come to the boring classes or because they can't teach at all...)...exam time arrives again...the most boring times for me in the last 3-4 yrs have been the times when exams come around...i had thought that i won't let these midsems to work me up again to write something...but can't be helped...when everybody around you is talking, walking, sleeping, eating, drinking, peeing and shitting midsems then you are bound to catch that infectious disease and look for a release...so ignore this post as the raving and ranting of a frantically bored person...so many have gone past, this too will pass...

independence day?

this post is long overdue...a lot of thoughts came into my mind as i watched while india celebrated her 58th independence day...there was a special irony in the celebrations in my own institute...the cadets of ncc from the 1st and 2nd years were there for a parade, students who had to take nss becuase its a part of their course requirements were there, senior professors were there because the director was there, lots of schoolchildren were there along with their teachers to perform skits, dances and the like...apart from tht- me and my girlfrend coz we had some time to while away and nothing better to do, a local crowd who don't get to come inside the institute on normal days, the vp of the students' body and...nobody else! what does this tell us? i'll tell you what...the ncc and nss people were there for better grades in courses they had to pass for their degrees...the profs were there because they had to put in a good impression with the director...the director was there because he had to be there as the head of an "institute of national importance"...the schoolchildren were there because their teachers told them so...the teachers were there beacuse it is a time honored tradition and a prestigious thing to perform in the IIT...
this brings me to an important question...what was being celebrated there? independence? liberty? freedom?...who came there of his or her own free will to celebrate our independence?...are we really free?

catcher in the rye...

as another session starts i have a foreboding that this is the beginning of the end...most of my batchmates will graduate at the end of this year while i, fortunately or unfortunately, will stay back for one more year...the fact that soon it will be time for me to graduate and go on to doing a run-of-the-mill boring job really frustates me...on the other hand i might get into a b-school and defer it for 2 more years, but i'll still be sitting behind a desk doing a boring job(maybe with a bigger salary and bigger headaches but it's still boring) 4 years hence...economic constraints will most definitely stop me from doing what i really want to do...i am nearing the precipice at the end of the rye field, and there is no one to catch me...

gone to hell

why r classes so boring tht i dont attend n thn get into trouble of all sorts...i know its my mistake n i should have attended classes but tht cant be helped now, can it?...the profs have to go ahead n be all pricky abt it even though i can give an exam as well as the next guy without doing any classes at all...basically they dont recognize the idiosyncracies of genius when they see them...but cant blame them either, genius has always been doomed to ignominy and failure among its contemporaries...the recognition comes when it is too late to recognize it...so let it be with caesar...the day will come when these very professors of mine will be forced to accept my superiority over any other students of theirs...maybe not in the field i have chosen(ill-chosen would be more like it) but i am sure i'll be successful...thnx for going through these megalomanic rantings of this spent force...and remember, like the phoenix, i'll rise one day from the ashes of academic failure!!!

not the end...

another stupid examination meanders to a stupid end...i won't rave and rant again about how much i hate the system of examinations as i did enough of that when the last exams ended...but thank god they have ended...i am now 5/8 of an engineer(though i know less than i did fresh out of school)...i wonder whether i'll even be able to teach a class 12 student...but i shouldn't be too happy about this end of exams because they always have a tendency of coming right back at u when u least expect them...life's always throwing u a surprise test...and i hope i can pass with flying colors...so this termination of endsems is, like death, not the end...but only a transition...

we don't need no education...

once again after a boring week i'm coming back to life...usually life here is pretty exciting but every now and then the profs feel tht they need to check whether we have learnt anything or not...this results in excruciatingly boring periods of time called exams...just got thru one of those periods...i dont know why we need exams? aren't the profs confident about their ability to impart education tht they have to test whether they have been successful or not?...and that too when they end up with egg on their faces most of the time...i can tell u tht if a student doesn't do well in exams after making it thru jee it isn't because he/she isn't a good student...it means tht the profs have failed in making the subject interesting enough for the student...it is they who have failed if a student doesn't want to attend classes or doesn't fare well in the exam...but they have a totally radical notion tht it's all our fault...well forget about it...9 down 7 left to go(exams tht is)...but i'll say one thing...if forcing someone to attend boring classes instead of making them interesting, taking exams and giving papers which even da vinci couldn't have completed in the time alloted and passing snide comments at students who refuse to conform is education then surely...we don't need no education!!!

class act...

long time no post...i felt this was high time that i wrote something down for posterity...actually the sem has got into full flow now and having screwed up last sem badly i need to clean up my act...speaking of act i'm also the governor for the english dramatics society now so i have the unenviable task of teaching the basics of theatre to a group of ppl who have never done anything in the past...though its a lot of fun scolding ppl...really busy now...attending all classes(something i'm not used to doing ;-))during the day and directing a play at night...plz forgive me for being irregular with my ruminations...